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The Assumption: Sobriety Means Success
When I first got sober, I thought that was the finish line. My long-desired goal was simple: stop drinking.
For years, that was the trophy—no more bottles hidden under my bed (or basement, car, or handbag), no more lying about why I was “sleeping” (passed out) on the couch (again), makeup-smudged mornings,and especially no more waking up in a panic, frantically checking my phone to see who I texted—or if I could delete it before they saw.
I always thought that if I could just put down the bottle, everything else would fall into place.
I believed I would be free—once I put down that damn bottle.
And for a while, as I floated through the "pink cloud" phase of sobriety, it felt true. Life seemed lighter, easier—until, suddenly, it wasn’t.
As my sober day count stretched into months, something unexpected happened—I started feeling restless, anxious, panicked. I remember thinking, “But I’m in recovery! This isn’t supposed to happen!” It felt almost like the same life of unease, but worse—because this time, I didn’t have my crutch, my coping tool, my best friend—alcohol—to shield me from my pain and help me hide.
I was doing everything I was supposed to—showing up, doing the work—but that didn’t mean I was immune to hard days. I thought sobriety alone would fix everything, but real recovery was just getting started.
In other words, I had removed alcohol, but I still wasn't free.
The Missing Piece: Emotional and Spiritual Recovery
Using alcohol as a crutch to deal with stress, loneliness, and self-doubt was supposed to be temporary—or at least that’s what I told myself.
In college, I pulled that crutch out when I felt insecure and lonely. In early adulthood, I leaned on it at parties and social events to make me feel more comfortable. And when life threw bigger, harder things my way, I reached for it even more—when I felt scared, angry, or _________ (fill in the blank).
Eventually, that crutch wasn’t just something I used sometimes—it became part of my daily life.
Looking back, I realize that by relying on alcohol to get me through, I never gave myself the chance to actually process my emotions, build resilience, or trust myself.
If I had, maybe I wouldn't have hit the rock bottom I did five years ago.
Maybe.
But that’s not my story.
Instead, I kept drinking, convincing myself it made me stronger, safer. So when I finally stopped, I expected to feel better. Instead, I just felt raw. The fears, the patterns, the self-doubt—they were all still there. I was stuck—haunted by my past regrets and depression, or laying awake every night, filled with worries and fear about the future.
The only difference was, I didn’t have a cabernet in my hand or a vodka bottle under my bed to help me sleep (numb myself) or make me "happy" (false, foggy cheer).
That’s when I started realizing: Recovery isn’t just about being sober.
Gabor Maté, a leading expert on addiction and trauma, puts it this way:
Reading that, I couldn’t help nodding. My drinking wasn’t just about alcohol—it was about trying to numb deeper wounds I hadn’t even acknowledged yet.
True Recovery: Beyond Sobriety
The pain I was feeling in those first few months of sobriety forced me to go deeper—beyond just quitting drinking. I had to rebuild myself from the inside out.
Luckily, I was living in a recovery house filled with other women who were also struggling. It felt like a human lab experiment—I got to observe what the happy, thriving women were doing… and what the ones still stuck in pain weren’t.
I clearly remember my "Aha!" moment. It was during a 12-Step Zoom meeting, and I looked at the faces on my TV screen. Some of them were smiling and laughing. It made me realize -
I wanted what they had.
And so, like some of the other women in that recovery house, I rolled up my sleeves, grabbed a notebook, got a sponsor to take me through the steps, and I started working on myself. I started to have hope—maybe, just maybe, I could live a life of happiness and freedom.
Brené Brown once said: “Sobriety isn’t a limitation. Sobriety isn’t even a ‘have to.’ It’s a superpower."
That’s exactly how it started to feel. Sobriety wasn’t about giving something up—it was about gaining everything I had been missing. A sober friend summed it up this way, "You can have one thing (alcohol) and give up everything, or you can have everything and give up that one thing."
The Steps to True Recovery
Sobriety was just the first step. But being honest with myself was integral to my true recovery and healing.
I had to admit I was an alcoholic (**like I wrote about last week in my blog: I Say ‘I’m an Alcoholic’—Why Does That Bother You?). Then, I had to be open and willing to take advice, to change, and to step away from my controlling ego. I had to let my Higher Power (who I call God) take over the wheel of my very damaged car.
Once I did this—and in that order—the real work, the real freedom, began. And it continues today.
Brené Brown also has spoken about authenticity and the courage it takes to live life without numbing: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we actually are."
That’s what recovery is all about: letting go of who I thought I had to be and embracing who I truly am.
The Truth: Sobriety Is Just the Beginning
If you’ve quit drinking but still feel stuck, restless, or unsure of who you are, I want you to know:
You’re not alone. I felt the same way.
But here’s what I know now:
Sobriety is not the final destination—it’s just the beginning of a much deeper journey.
It’s not just about what we put down—it’s about what we build in its place.
Recovery isn’t just about avoiding alcohol. It’s about reclaiming yourself.
You’re not here just to stay sober. You’re here to heal, grow, and thrive.
Find yourself in the rooms. Women in the Rooms coming soon—Spring of 2025!
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