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Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Maybe I should cut back?” or “Do I really need this glass of wine right now?”
If so, you’re not alone.
For years, I lived in the “grey area” of drinking—asking myself these same questions but never quite facing them head-on. My story has two parts:
1️⃣ Before the trauma – Twenty years of “social drinking,” from college parties to NYC club-hopping in my 20s, to suburban life filled with wine-of-the-month clubs, boozy book clubs, and alcohol-laced block parties.
2️⃣ After the trauma – At 40, I experienced therapy abuse, and suddenly, alcohol became more than a social ritual—it became my escape. I dove into a bottle to numb my pain.
Coming home after work, I’d pour a glass of chilled white wine to relax. Then I’d switch to red—or stick with the white I was using to cook with. Some in the pan, some in the pot, some in my mouth. Wine and beer were always in the house because, well, that was "normal.”
For many women like me, alcohol gets woven into daily life—not just as a drink, but as a way to unwind, fit in, or cope with stress, loneliness, or overwhelm.
Before the hard-drinking 15 years, when I was still “just a social drinker” (with extra booze always in the fridge), the idea of questioning my drinking felt ridiculous—especially in my upscale, wine-cellar neighborhood. After all, we live in a culture where alcohol is everywhere—brunch mimosas, wine nights, even "mommy juice" jokes on social media. I wrote about this last week in my post: "The Truth About How Society Normalizes Drinking for Women."
But eventually, a moment comes—sometimes subtle, sometimes stark—when we start wondering: Is this helping me or hurting me?
The Signs We Ignore
The signs that our drinking is becoming a problem aren’t always dramatic. (If you’re switching liquor stores so the cashiers don’t think you have a problem, okay—that’s a little dramatic - and I actually have done that.)
Most of the time, though, they’re quiet, easy to rationalize, and even easier to ignore:
Drinking more than intended – Ever told yourself you’d just have one glass, only to finish the bottle?
Feeling relief knowing alcohol is available – Do you get anxious when there’s no alcohol in the house?
Hiding or downplaying drinking – Have you ever lied about how much you drank, even to yourself?
I could’ve been nicknamed Cleopatra—Queen of Denial—for all the ways I justified my drinking.
We tell ourselves stories to normalize it:“Oh, I don’t drink as much as Judy, Marcia, Jennifer…”“Everyone’s coffee is filled with Bailey’s!” (Really happened at a Halloween parade in my neighborhood—hundreds of kids marching down Main Street while their Bailey’s-soaked parents cheered and swayed.)
When Drinking Becomes Emotional Coping
One of the biggest red flags? When drinking isn’t just social—it’s emotional.
Do you reach for a drink when you’re stressed?
Is wine your go-to when you feel lonely or anxious?
Does alcohol feel like the only way to relax?
According to Dr. Gabor Maté, an expert on addiction (and one of my favorites): "The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”
That “Part II” of my drinking life—the phase where I dove into the bottle—was directly tied to my trauma. I had PTSD, and alcohol became my numbing agent, a way to mute the pain I didn’t know how to process. It was a slow suicide—an attempt to escape a life that had become terrifying and unsafe.
The truth is, I didn’t have the tools or life skills to cope with my pain. And looking back, I realize that if I had stronger emotional boundaries and self-esteem, the therapy abuse that shattered me might never have happened in the first place… but that’s another story.
Now, I do have tools. And if you’re questioning your drinking, here are a few that might help.
Next time you reach for a drink, pause and ask yourself:
1. What am I actually feeling?
Alcohol often masks something deeper. Identifying the real emotion beneath the craving can be powerful.
Example:
Instead of thinking, I just need a drink to unwind, ask yourself:"Am I feeling stressed? Overwhelmed? Lonely? Angry?"
I keep an emotional wheel nearby (I even have one as a mouse pad!) because sometimes naming the feeling is the hardest part. The more specific you can get, the more you can address the real issue—without numbing it.
2. What do I truly need right now?
Once you identify the emotion, the next step is figuring out what will actually help. Because alcohol won’t fix the problem—it only delays it.
Example:
If you’re reaching for a drink because you’re stressed, ask:"Do I need a break? A walk outside? Deep breaths? To vent to a friend?"
If you’re drinking because you feel lonely, the real need might be connection—not another glass of wine.
3. What are the consequences? (Play the tape forward.)
Drinking might offer short-term relief, but what about tomorrow? Playing the tape forward forces you to see beyond the immediate craving.
Example:"If I have this drink, how will I feel later tonight? Tomorrow morning? Will I regret it? Will I wake up anxious or disappointed in myself?"
For me, playing the tape forward was a game-changer. When I stopped focusing on the momentary relief and started thinking about the aftermath, the desire to drink lost its grip on me.
The more you practice this pause, the more you build resilience. And the best part? Over time, you realize that you don’t actually need alcohol to deal with life.
You just need you.
The Internal Debate: “Do I Have a Problem?”
Many women hesitate to question their drinking because they assume that if they haven’t hit rock bottom like I did, they don’t have a real problem. But what I’ve learned is that it’s not about how much you drink—it’s about why you drink.
For years, I drank because I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I drank to hide from my fears, to numb emotional pain and trauma. I drank because I couldn’t face myself, and I didn’t know how to face the world.
Alcohol was my crutch—something I leaned on to hobble through life. But real healing didn’t come from cutting out alcohol alone. It came from doing the deep work, from finally confronting my past, understanding the way I think, and—more importantly—learning how to think in a way that serves me.
And that’s what allowed me to throw the crutch away—for good.
Here’s the truth:
You don’t need to drink daily for it to be a concern.
You don’t have to get DUIs or black out for it to be hurting you.
You don’t have to wait until things get worse to take action.
I’ve read so many books on alcohol and recovery, I could open a bookstore. Some were helpful. Some were… okay. But one that really stuck with me was Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind:
"The question is not ‘Am I an alcoholic?’ The question is, ‘Would my life be better without alcohol?’”
If drinking is causing any distress or disruption in your life, then questioning it is valid.
How to Start Exploring Your Relationship with Alcohol
If this article resonates with you, that’s your inner voice speaking. Listen to it.
You don’t have to hit a low bottom to start making changes. You just have to be open to asking questions. Here's an outline of how you can start:
Step 1: Get Curious (Without Judgment)
Instead of labeling yourself, just observe.
When and why do you drink?
How does alcohol make you feel—before, during, and after?
Are you drinking out of habit rather than genuine desire?
Step 2: Track Your Drinking & Emotions
For one week, keep a simple log:
What you drank and how much.
What was happening before you drank.
How you felt afterward.
Here's a helpful journaling prompt:"What role does alcohol play in my life, and is it the role I want it to have?"
Step 3: Find Support
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Reach out to one of the many free recovery meetings in your area. Talk to a therapist, counselor, or life coach. Join an online support group like Women in the Rooms. Finding a community of women who get it can make all the difference.
Women in the Rooms is a space where you can:
Share your thoughts without fear of judgment.
Connect with other women who have asked the same questions.
Explore what a healthy, empowered life looks like for you.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Final Thought:
My roommate in rehab used to exclaim, “Progress, not perfection!” every time she made a mistake or hit a small setback. It became her mantra, and over time, I realized how much truth was packed into those three simple words.
It’s something I still hear in recovery rooms, and it’s worth remembering anytime you’re making a change—whether in your thinking, your habits, or your life. Change, even when it’s for the better, can feel scary. It’s uncomfortable. It takes time.
So be gentle with yourself. Take it one step at a time. And when you stumble (because we all do), don’t beat yourself up—just smile, take a deep breath, and say, “Progress, not perfection.”
Because this isn’t about getting it right. It’s about moving forward.
It’s a journey. And you’re not walking it alone.
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Come Join the Conversation
If this resonated with you, join our next women’s recovery discussion—
no pressure, just a space to explore.
Starting February 12 - Wednesday evenings, 7-8:00 pm
Google Meet: meet.google.com/wfh-dgsx-oqz
Drop a comment or DM me for details.
You’re not alone, and you don’t have to have all the answers today.
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If you’re looking for one-on-one support, I currently offer
transformational coaching for women in recovery.
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